Stand out from the Crowd

For the past 43 years,I have worked to create and then tear down my human-artist brand presence and achieve some of my goals only to forget about how much 12 year old me would be excited by all this shit.  I now offer you access to my elegant nonsense brain and all it's infamous powers to distract and entertain. No but for real, I know a thing or two about how to not waste your time on Earth, and certainly how to laugh.  My process is designed to empower your flesh-brand and outfit your meat-business with the marketing tools needed to succeed. Talk to me today about how I can support your growth, limit your growth (that's as simple as putting a brick on your head), and put you on a solid track to success and profit.

My service includes a comprehensive consult to help identify gaps and opportunities (looking at you right now I can see a gap that we can talk about later), and results in a comprehensive report that includes a project plan with timelines and cost analysis. IT'S GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE. My individualized plans are made up of quality services that will help you get "there" quickly and smoothly.  And by "there" I mean not wacking off to instagram 7 hours a day worrying about garbage that I'm sympathetic to, I mean I feel the garbage magnet too, but come on. You want to be a successful Person-Product? Fine, everybody does., but I'll show you how to sell yourself without completely losing your soul.  I'll even give you a notebook of jokes you can sling around town, for free-- but watch out, they don't work so good if another one of my clients got to the party first. So when you arrive at the party just blow your Luke whistle (the thing on the pink lanyard you got in your goody bag at our first session) and then yell "Did anyone with a mauve armband get to this party before me?" If the answer is no, get going with the jokes. If the answer is yes and some guests are prone on the floor,  exsanguinating, chances are another client got there first and dropped some good ones. Next time!